A Letter

April 20-26, 2014 is National Infertility Awareness Week. Last year I wrote a bunch of Do's and Don'ts when dealing with those who struggle with infertility, as well as a list of Do's and Don'ts for those of us who do struggle with infertility. If you are new to the blog and are interested in reading those lists, you will find them on the side bar, under April 2013.

This year, I thought I'd do something a little different. Over the course of our married life, we have come across many more fertile couples than not. And it is those child-bearing couples that I'd like to address via a letter. So here goes:

Dear Fertile Couple,

Being a fertile couple around an infertile couple can not be easy. There are many awkward moments, moments in which you know your situation is the cause for grief in those who have trouble conceiving. In lieu of that, I dedicate this letter to YOU, an apology letter:

We are sorry. No, not sorry for your fertility, but sorry for the following reasons:

1. We are sorry that we did not understand that being pregnant quickly after your last child is something that you may be grappling with. In fact, we are even more ashamed that we dismissed this gift of another baby with a sarcastic "She's pregnant again?!"

2. We apologize for rolling our eyes mentally when you tell us you are expecting, exactly two years to the date of the birth of your last child. And your child before that, and your child before that.....This is not the way to view any blessing of God, whether that blessing be in your life or mine.

3. I am sorry for not listening carefully while you share your struggles of parenting. I was hard of hearing as my ears were filled with envy wax, envious of the fact that you *had* those struggles. That meant you had something I wanted: children.

4. We are sorry for giving off the impression that we knew better in parenting, even though in fact, we had no idea. We apologize for giving advice or stating things or seeing things that you are trying to deal with already, and yet we still felt the need to tell you what we think or how you should do things (I may not have vocalized what I thought, but my body language sure wasn't hard to read). We truly had no idea.

5. We are sorry for biting back at you when you suggested adoption to us. We know you only meant well.

6. We are sorry for keeping you at an arm's length when we were hurting the most. In fact, we should have kept you close so we could lean on you in our darkest days.

7. I am sorry for not understanding how uncomfortable and painful a pregnancy can be on the body; I was naïve by viewing pregnancy through rose-coloured glasses.

8. I am sorry for wallowing in my own grief of never conceiving while you deal with a miscarriage, not really clueing in that we are both grieving similar losses. My bitterness took over and so I was not able to share in your grief like a Christian should have. The thought of, "well, at least you can *get* pregnant" clouded my vision and so I was not able to support you properly.

9. I am sorry for ever calling you Fertile Myrtle, even if I never did say that out loud.

10. We are sorry for judging you in regards to how God was blessing you with children

11. We are sorry for judging your parenting style and techniques, not recognizing that a child doesn't always reflect how s/he is being raised. They are born with just as much of a sinful nature as you and I.

12. We apologize for not always truly sharing in your joy of your good news, when you told us you were expecting.

13. I am sorry for ever coming across that my being a teacher is equivalent to parenting. My, oh my. While both require consistency, discipline, structure and lots of love (among other things), it is oh so vastly different. 24 hours, 7 days a week, lifelong is no comparison to 6.5 hours, 5 days a week, 10 months of the year.

14. We are sorry for always having our infertility taint your fertility. Meaning, that our infertility was always like a cloud around us, which made you unsure of how to proceed to tell us of your exciting news.

We would like to end this letter with a 'thank you'. Thank you for including us in your good news, even if it made you nervous as to how to go about that, wanting to keep us from hurting. Thank you for sharing your joys and burdens of parenting. And most of all, thank you for not ditching us to the curb to wallow in our self-pity, but instead, forgiving us of our selfishness and still kept up a relationship with us.

Sincerely,
Us, the Infertile Couple

May we all, infertile or fertile, hold each other up, encouraging each other. Neither road is an easy road to journey. We need each other. May we continue to be a hand and foot for each other as we share in each other's joys and sorrows.

Praying this week for all those who struggle with infertility.

Praying for all those who struggle with their fertility.

May God bless each of us on either road we find ourselves on.