Adoption Question and Answer - Part One

Grab a coffee. It's long :o)

First off, before I go into answering your questions, remember I am no expert. I do not know all the answers. I answer these questions based on our experience of adoption. Also note that any "legal" questions that I've answered are based on the laws in Ontario, Canada. Every province may be different and for sure every country is different. If you live outside of Ontario or Canada, do not go by my legal answers. For you it may be very different due to where you live. And laws do change, even within a few years. So my answers may even be outdated already.

Another thing to take note of is this: every adoption is different and has a different story. That is why things can be so confusing, because what happened to one couple, may not or will not happen to another couple. If we compare the two adoptions we've gone through, things are very different from each other.

And one last note before I start answering the questions that were emailed to me. I will answer most questions, but for those specific questions in regards to our daughter or son's adoption, they might not be answered due to the fact that it is their adoption story, not mine. It is not for me to share certain parts of their personal stories. I will let them do that, in their own time.

So on we go. Let's define adoption first:

a·dopt  (-dpt)

tr.v. a·dopt·ed, a·dopt·ing, a·dopts

1. To take into one's family through legal means and raise as one's own child.

2.

a. To take and follow (a course of action, for example) by choice or assent: adopt a new technique.

b. To take up and make one's own: adopt a new idea.

3. To take on or assume: adopted an air of importance.

4. To vote to accept: adopt a resolution.

5. To choose as standard or required in a course: adopt a new line of English textbooks.

(taken from thefreedictionary.com website)

Adoption is: The act of adopting or state of being adopted; voluntary acceptance of a child of other parents to be the same as ones own child (themeanings.com)

How do you pick an adoption agency?  Are there quite a number of choices? How difficult was it to figure out where to begin? 
Before picking an agency, you first need to decide if you want to adopt via the Children's Aid Society or go private. Once that is decided then you look into where to go.

The first time around, we went with one that we knew and were familiar with, and that was Beginnings. It wasn't until we started going to adoption workshops that we were introduced to different agencies and licencees. The second time around, we went on three lists. One in Mississauge (Jewels for Jesus), one in Hamilton (Beginnings). These two were agencies. We also went with a licensee in Kitchener-Waterloo. We just based our decisions on distance. We could have chosen to go on a list in Kingston (for example), but that would also mean traveling there for things.

But it actually doesn't really  matter what list you are on. All the agencies and licensees work together, so if birthparents are requesting certain stipulations of an adoptive family, and no one on their list meets those, the licensee/agency will seek each other out to see if they might have a family that fits on their list. That's actually what happened with Keziah's. Although we were on Beginnings list, in the end, we did not adopt Keziah from Beginnings. Keziah's birthparents had particular stipulations, one of them being that the family they chose could not be in the same community as them. Well, that eliminated everyone from that area! And so the licensee contacted Beginnings (and others) to see if any of their families fit the description of what her birthparents were looking for. All our stuff was sent down to this licensee and from then on we dealt with her, not Beginnings.

It was not too difficult to figure out where to begin. In October of 2008 we contacted Beginnings for a registration form. They then emailed it to us to fill out. We left the registration form on our desk over the Thanksgiving weekend to see how we still felt once the weekend was over, to make sure the desire to adopt was not just a heart decision but a 'head' one as well. Once we were ready, Beginnings helped us out a lot. They wanted us to get educated first, to see what it was all about.

Here is a link of  adoption agencies/licensees in Ontario

How long was it from the time you first began with connecting with 'whoever it is' you contact first, until the time you were approved?
We contacted Beginnings in October 2008, did the P.R.I.D.E. course (a 27 hour course that must be completed before being placed on the list) 3 Saturdays in a row in November; spent November, December and January filling out paperwork (if there is ever a shortage of trees, we're sorry :o) and having visits with our adoption practitioner, and finally placed on the list January 29th of 2009. March 15th 2009 we received Keziah's first email.

 Do you pay to put your name on the list or do you just pay when you actually receive a child? Why is it so expensive?
Yes. When you choose to adopt privately, you choose with your hand in your wallet. It sounds so crass, but that is the way it is. Your signature on the bottom of cheques will be perfected by the time your child has been in your home for 6 months. It will feel like you are constantly writing cheques, but really, it's all priceless in the end.

It is expensive because you pay to register, pay for P.R.I.D.E. (a 27 hour course that MUST be taken before put on the list), pay for your home study, pay for the counselling of the birth parents, pay once you are chosen, pay once the baby is in your home and the last cheque is written once the adoption practitioner writes up the last paper which is sent to the judge after 6 months of placement. So all said and done, you are out of pocket between $15,000 and $20,000. Your pocket may be empty but your heart may be full!!! :o)
(by the way, to adopt through the Children's Aid Society, you do not pay)

Do the parents relinquishing their child also have to pay? 
No, the birthparents do not pay for a thing. And that is good. We pay for their counselling, which we are very thankful to do.
(on a side note, there is a rule/law and that is, once we are chosen, we are NOT allowed to give or pay directly to the birthparents. We can not even pay for a card or send flowers or pay for a Timmies. This can all be seen as "wooing" the birthparents and is illegal. Once the child is legally ours, then it is not a problem at all.)

Do you feel lawyers are charging more than they need to?
Ummmm, good question. I never really thought about it. I see the amount of paperwork that needs to be done and how every 'i' needs to be dotted and 't' crossed for an adoption to be final and so I value the importance. I do know from experience though that if the lawyer misses something or messes up, things can backfire and certain things may need to start over. I'll leave it at that......sorry, but certain details I don't feel comfortable going into. I am sure you can understand.


When going through the application, did you sense any particular agenda or bias in the questions?
No, not really. The only thing that may be 'biased' is the view to openness. To adopt through Beginnings (I can't remember about Jewels for Jesus) you have to be okay with openness. If you would like a closed adoption, Beginnings will not take you on.

How stringent are the rules for adoptive parents?
While filling out all the paperwork, getting your police checks done as well as your fingerprints done, the rules for adoptive parents can seem stringent. Your home needs to be approved, you as a couple/family needs to be approved (questionnaires are handed out to family and friends to fill out about you), you need to be financially stable to be approved etc. etc.. There are times where you can feel that what you all have to do to prove that you are or will be "good" parents is just not fair. No one knocked on my friends' door before they took their baby home to make sure the hot water gauge is not set too high where the water could burn their baby.

But it is what it is. Unfortunately these things need to take place due to what has happened in the past in regards to adoption.

Is there any age limitation for the adoptive parents?
There isn't an age limit; anyone over 18 can adopt. We did notice that when we went to adoption workshops, we were often one of the youngest couples. Many people were in their 40s and 50s.

Was there any reference to future sexual orientation (LGBT)? Does this potential type of questioning depend upon the agency you go through?
Funny that this is asked. We did have it once that we were contacted by the agency on behalf of a birthparent. We (and others) were going to be presented but before she looked at our profiles, she needed to know what we would do if her/our child grew up to be lesbian/gay. Yes, that question was really asked of us. We gave the best answer we could to this question.

In a previous post you had written that they would phone if there was a positive answer but email if there was a negative response. Did you find that being emailed was a form of copout on the agency's part? I would be scared to check my email for a rejection.
No, we did not find that it was a copout on the agency's part to inform us via email if it was a negative. Thinking on their behalf, there can be 10 or more couples/singles that are presented to the birthparents, with one of them being chosen. To send out an email to all those who weren't chosen is more efficient than calling. At least, that's what we think.

And actually, we did not receive a call when we were chosen for Keziah. It was an email. I had checked my email at school on Friday, April 3rd (certain dates stick out in your mind!) and there it was!! I had to go through closing devotions with the teachers after that, trying very hard to keep my composure. Don't ask me what we read or prayed about.

Well, that's a start with the answers to some questions. I will continue on with Part 2 in a few days. There's only so much you can read at a time :o) And if these questions/answers stimulate more questions, then don't hesitate to contact me via the Comments section (anonymous if you like) or by emailing me.) Education is key and that is why I like to do this.